dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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