I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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