ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize