you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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