Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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