i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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