The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
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We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
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Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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