I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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