I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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