Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Vodka?
Forever.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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