my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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