I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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