upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
