So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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