I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
