Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
