If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
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