you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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