I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
