my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
