I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
