I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
