He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
