I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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