She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I want her autograph on my taint
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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