I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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