Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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