Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
