The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
