i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
