Duck Duck Cougar?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
