Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...