she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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