and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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