Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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