Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
