My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
