just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
