Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
