I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
