Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You should frame my arrest warrant.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
