cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
