home. puking in laundry basket.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
