A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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