Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
