I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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