So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
