Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
50% drunk capacity currently
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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