Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
