I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
