So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
