I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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