dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Apparently you make a good broom.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
