he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
