Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
